be the change

A few years ago, I felt inspired to share my story in hopes to help and inspire anyone out there who may have felt like they were losing hope or struggling after a tragic loss. This topic hits very close to home for me and has been extremely hard to express my true feelings over the years, but recently I have felt this tugging on my heart yet again and I cannot ignore it. So, in hopes of doing all that I can to be there and help make a difference, I wish to share some further thoughts and be as open and vulnerable as I can to let others know it’s okay to do the same.

Addiction has always been a very sensitive topic for me, especially over the last ten years. It has affected my life in more ways than I think I am even aware, and it’s hard for me to hold back my emotions when it’s brought up. Over the past few months I have been made more aware of the global effort known as “National Overdose Day” to bring attention to the growing grasp addiction and overdose have on the human race. Every year, this day focused on overdose awareness takes place on August 31^st, which ironically is my beautiful mother’s birthday, who sadly passed away from overdose ten years ago. As I was driving one day and was pondering about all of this, I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to join the cause to spread awareness, to do good, and maybe be someone to make a difference when it comes to such a heart wrenching topic for so many. 

For anyone that might not be aware of my story, I will share just a little, not with the intention to draw any attention to myself, but to paint a picture of how devastating and painful addiction and overdose can be for all involved. I grew up in a happy home, with parents that loved me dearly and three older brothers who were full of life and energy. We had our problems, as every family does, but life was good. Among all the happy times we spent at baseball games, family vacations, and holidays together there were still some equally rough days in between. Tragedy struck my family in June of 2008 when my father, after a long fight with addiction, took his own life with the thought that we would be better off without him. As you can imagine, this shook our family to the core and sent us down a long and painful path I’m not sure any of us could have ever been ready for. My dear mother, who was a ray of light her whole life, was devastated beyond belief. She loved my dad with a passion most would never understand and she couldn’t seem to get through the pain. Only two short months after the passing of my father, my mom had an accidental overdose from prescription medications and alcohol. She passed away a few days later in the hospital. At the age of 13 I was exposed to things I hope no one at that age should ever have to see, and I witnessed first-hand the evil and deceiving nature of addiction without the ability to do anything to stop it. Addiction is also something that I have seen affect my siblings, other family members, and friends throughout my life.

Seeing how drugs had so poorly effected my family and losing both parents at such a young age I decided then that I would never allow myself to go down that path. Although I don’t know what it’s like to be in the shoes of someone who struggles with drug addiction, I do know what it’s like to see the ones you love most lose their lives/fight for their lives to such a sad and destructive path. And it breaks my heart to think that there might be people out there who have lost their loved ones and think they will never be able to climb out of the sad, depressing, and empty hole that something like this could place them in. 

            Overdose isn’t just something that happens every once in a while.  Combined with substance abuse, it is something that affects all of us in different ways every single day. Just last year in 2017, over 72,000 people died in the United States from an overdose with almost 30,000 of those deaths being from opioids. Statistics show that the year 2017 was the very highest it’s ever been for overdose rates. That means that 8 people die every hour from some sort of overdose, which results in millions of individuals who are left to mourn the losses of the people they loved. It’s no secret that this issue is growing at a shocking rate and we all know it’s a real problem, but how often are we brushing it under the rug? How often do we hear of someone losing their life to overdose and think “Oh no, that’s so sad!” but then forget about it 30 seconds later? How often do we ignore our promptings to reach out to someone we know who is struggling with addiction and let them know we care? I think we all could agree something needs to change. 

            Because this is a problem that affects us all in one way or another, being aware is the first step towards progress. So, because it’s so clear this is a problem and we are all very aware something needs to be done, the crucial question we face is; what can we do to make the difference? I think about this daily and want so badly to do whatever I can to help whoever I can. I have realized that there is no one answer that is the same for us all. The fact of the matter is it’s personal, what works for one might not be as successful for another. But can you imagine for just a split second what the world, or your city, or even your family would be like if we all made more of an effort? If we all committed to ourselves to find a small way to impact another. The tragedy can be avoided and it’s time for us all to step up, to do more than we’ve done and open our eyes to the possibilities of what could be.                         

            For a long time, it has been difficult for me to share the details about my losses because of the stigma that I knew would be labeled on my family if they knew the truth. I wanted people to know how amazing my parents were and to know them for the parents who taught their children to love, to be kind, and compassionate to others. I didn’t want people thinking that my parent’s struggles were who they were, because that’s not who they were. People are so quick to judge others when really, they have no idea what it’s like to be in that person’s shoes and the things they are going through. I have then come to realize that it’s okay to share. That it’s okay to be vulnerable and transparent and with that maybe it will be my story that helps one person to have hope whether it’s someone struggling with addiction, or someone who has lost a family member to the tragic event of overdose.  

            The truth is, it’s time to make a change, it’s time to make a difference, it's time to help, and there is no better time to start than now. I believe that we all have to power to make a difference in each other’s lives. I have been blessed with an incredible family who loves and supports me in all that I do. My parents were good people. Yes, they struggled with addiction, but that does not define them. Drug addiction does not define anyone. As their daughter, my hope and prayer is that we can remember them and their story and use our strength to give hope and encouragement to others. So may we honor and remember them and the lives of all those who we have lost to addiction and overdose by loving deeper, caring more, offering a helping hand, sharing our stories, and finding personal peace. Let's be the change.

My Story: 

I am not normally into the whole "blogging" thing, or ever would have thought that I would be doing this, but for some reason I feel the need to share my story in hopes that maybe I can help or inspire someone else out there who is struggling. I don't share these things because I expect sympathy or want anyone to feel bad for me. I am doing this simply because I want to be able to help others understand that there is happiness out there no matter what you experience in life, so here it is.

I was born on August 3rd 1995 in American Fork, Utah to my loving parents Scott and Jody Shumway. I have three older brothers, James (23), Jordan (27), and Jason(29). My mom was a stay at home mom and had her own dance business that she did one the side.  She loved teaching and dancing was her passion. She loved spending time as a family and supported us kids in all that we did. We were  her whole world. She was one of those moms that was at every single baseball game, cheer competition, or event that we had.  Anything we did, she was there to support us. She was simply beautiful inside and out. My dad was a handsome, strong, and talented guy who could pick up anything and be good at it the first try. He loved coaching the boys in baseball and any other sport they participated in. He was an amazing athlete himself. He had the biggest heart and a wide smile that would light up a room. I was his baby girl and he treated me like a princess.

My parents fell in love and were married at an early age. Just as we all do, they experienced trials both as individuals and as a couple. I had an amazing childhood and I wouldn't have changed the way I was raised for the world. It wasn't until I got a little bit older that I started to realize my parents fighting. I didn't think my life was different from any other kid. Now looking back I can see how exposed I was to things a normal eleven or twelve year old shouldn't see or experience. My parents separated and got divorced when I was eleven years old. It was a hard, confusing time being that young trying to comprehend that we would not be together  as a whole family anymore. My parents decided they were going to try and make things work again for them and for us . They were re-married a year later. After that things seemed  to be getting better and moving forward for them. It wasn't until June 10th, 2008 our lives as a family took a drastic turn for the worst. My dad at age 47 decided to take his own life. He fought his own demon's inside and thought that taking his life would ease the burden on my family. I remember driving up the canyon that day with my mom and grandma and  seeing the yellow caution tape with his jeep in the parking lot and knowing right then, in that moment my life was changed forever. My heart was broken into what felt like a million pieces. You always hear about those people who lose their parent and you think of how horrible it is, but you never ever expect it to happen to you.  It didn't feel real to me and it was hard to grasp the fact that I was going to wake the next morning and he wouldn't be there. The next two months were extremely rough. My mom couldn't deal with the fact that her eternal companion was gone. My two older brothers had started using drugs to escape the reality of the tragedy that had taken place in our lives. At this time I almost felt numb to the situation, so I had started spending a lot of time away at a close friends house to remove myself from what was going on.  My mom had began a downhill slope trying to hold my family together after our loss, while on top of dealing with her own grief and battles. To mask the pain she turned to using alcohol and prescription medication to hide from reality. 

Two and half months later she was at an all time low and accidentally overdosed. I was staying at a friend's house that night when I got a call at 5:30 in the morning saying my aunt was coming to get me and that my mom was transported by ambulance to the hospital. I fell into a complete panic.  I left to the hospital with no idea of how extreme the situation was. I got there and saw her in the emergency room with tubes coming from every direction in her body and on complete life support.  It was so traumatizing  to see my own mom, my very best friend in this miserable state. Even after seeing her lying there like this, in the back of my head I thought that things would get better and that after some time she would wake up. My family spent the next three days by her side watching her fight for her life. I spent one night holding her hand begging her to please not go. We needed her here. We had already lost so much how could we lose more?  She had a hard decision to make on whether or not she was to stay on this earth like this or if it was her time to go. There isn't a doubt in my mind that this was the hardest decision she has ever had to make. After a lot of prayers and more prayers my family had decided that this was goodbye and we were going to take her off life support.  These three miserable days in the hospital ended up being the biggest blessing because my family was able to come together and accept to the fact that this was what our lives were going to be now. My mom passed on August 23rd, 2008.

It has been six years since they have passed and me and my family have experienced all levels of emotions and pain. There are days when you don't feel like getting out of bed. There are days that you wake up and are angry at god and wonder why me? There are days that I miss them so much that my heart aches unbearably. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them and wonder what life would be like if they were still here. The hardest thing for me is growing up and experiencing the life that you always dreamed about as a kid and having them not be here to experience it with you.  I don't have my dad to dance with me on my wedding night. I don't have my mom to be by my side when I give birth to my first child. All of the little things like a "goodnight mom and dad I love you" I miss the most.

  This has been an unbelievably hard thing that I have to wake up to every single day. I am choosing to share this because I want everyone to know that there is still hope out there.  I believe we have two choices in life. We can either take our trails and let them destroy us and tear us down, or we can take them and learn and grow as individuals so that we can become better people from them. I am choosing to take the second choice. We all fight our own battles. There isn't a single person out there that doesn't have their own story and some sort of hardship that they have faced or will face. Happiness is a choice and no matter what life throws at you, it is up to you on how you are going to let it affect you. I lost my parents at a young age and It could have been very easy for me to take the path the led me away from happiness. I had my whole life ahead of me to experience and I know that my parents would want me to continue on and be the best person that I can be. I am trying to do that for myself and for them. I want to make them proud.  I want all of you to know that no matter how hard life can get, storms don't last forever. There is hope and a bright future for all of us if that is what we set our minds to. I have an AMAZING family and friends who love and support me. I have a wonderful life that I love that I wouldn't trade for anything. I have so much to be happy for. 

To anyone out there who is struggling, keep fighting and pushing through. Don't ever give up. It is something that you work at every day, but I know without a doubt in my mind it will all be worth it in the end. Cherish the time with your loved ones because life is so fragile and you never know when they will be taken away from you.

"No one said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

-Harvey MacKay

To my mom and dad I love and miss you dearly. I can't wait for the day that I can be wrapped in your arms again. I know you are close by. I keep you in my heart always.

With all the love in the world,

Jana