My Story: 

I am not normally into the whole "blogging" thing, or ever would have thought that I would be doing this, but for some reason I feel the need to share my story in hopes that maybe I can help or inspire someone else out there who is struggling. I don't share these things because I expect sympathy or want anyone to feel bad for me. I am doing this simply because I want to be able to help others understand that there is happiness out there no matter what you experience in life, so here it is.

I was born on August 3rd 1995 in American Fork, Utah to my loving parents Scott and Jody Shumway. I have three older brothers, James (23), Jordan (27), and Jason(29). My mom was a stay at home mom and had her own dance business that she did one the side.  She loved teaching and dancing was her passion. She loved spending time as a family and supported us kids in all that we did. We were  her whole world. She was one of those moms that was at every single baseball game, cheer competition, or event that we had.  Anything we did, she was there to support us. She was simply beautiful inside and out. My dad was a handsome, strong, and talented guy who could pick up anything and be good at it the first try. He loved coaching the boys in baseball and any other sport they participated in. He was an amazing athlete himself. He had the biggest heart and a wide smile that would light up a room. I was his baby girl and he treated me like a princess.

My parents fell in love and were married at an early age. Just as we all do, they experienced trials both as individuals and as a couple. I had an amazing childhood and I wouldn't have changed the way I was raised for the world. It wasn't until I got a little bit older that I started to realize my parents fighting. I didn't think my life was different from any other kid. Now looking back I can see how exposed I was to things a normal eleven or twelve year old shouldn't see or experience. My parents separated and got divorced when I was eleven years old. It was a hard, confusing time being that young trying to comprehend that we would not be together  as a whole family anymore. My parents decided they were going to try and make things work again for them and for us . They were re-married a year later. After that things seemed  to be getting better and moving forward for them. It wasn't until June 10th, 2008 our lives as a family took a drastic turn for the worst. My dad at age 47 decided to take his own life. He fought his own demon's inside and thought that taking his life would ease the burden on my family. I remember driving up the canyon that day with my mom and grandma and  seeing the yellow caution tape with his jeep in the parking lot and knowing right then, in that moment my life was changed forever. My heart was broken into what felt like a million pieces. You always hear about those people who lose their parent and you think of how horrible it is, but you never ever expect it to happen to you.  It didn't feel real to me and it was hard to grasp the fact that I was going to wake the next morning and he wouldn't be there. The next two months were extremely rough. My mom couldn't deal with the fact that her eternal companion was gone. My two older brothers had started using drugs to escape the reality of the tragedy that had taken place in our lives. At this time I almost felt numb to the situation, so I had started spending a lot of time away at a close friends house to remove myself from what was going on.  My mom had began a downhill slope trying to hold my family together after our loss, while on top of dealing with her own grief and battles. To mask the pain she turned to using alcohol and prescription medication to hide from reality. 

Two and half months later she was at an all time low and accidentally overdosed. I was staying at a friend's house that night when I got a call at 5:30 in the morning saying my aunt was coming to get me and that my mom was transported by ambulance to the hospital. I fell into a complete panic.  I left to the hospital with no idea of how extreme the situation was. I got there and saw her in the emergency room with tubes coming from every direction in her body and on complete life support.  It was so traumatizing  to see my own mom, my very best friend in this miserable state. Even after seeing her lying there like this, in the back of my head I thought that things would get better and that after some time she would wake up. My family spent the next three days by her side watching her fight for her life. I spent one night holding her hand begging her to please not go. We needed her here. We had already lost so much how could we lose more?  She had a hard decision to make on whether or not she was to stay on this earth like this or if it was her time to go. There isn't a doubt in my mind that this was the hardest decision she has ever had to make. After a lot of prayers and more prayers my family had decided that this was goodbye and we were going to take her off life support.  These three miserable days in the hospital ended up being the biggest blessing because my family was able to come together and accept to the fact that this was what our lives were going to be now. My mom passed on August 23rd, 2008.

It has been six years since they have passed and me and my family have experienced all levels of emotions and pain. There are days when you don't feel like getting out of bed. There are days that you wake up and are angry at god and wonder why me? There are days that I miss them so much that my heart aches unbearably. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them and wonder what life would be like if they were still here. The hardest thing for me is growing up and experiencing the life that you always dreamed about as a kid and having them not be here to experience it with you.  I don't have my dad to dance with me on my wedding night. I don't have my mom to be by my side when I give birth to my first child. All of the little things like a "goodnight mom and dad I love you" I miss the most.

  This has been an unbelievably hard thing that I have to wake up to every single day. I am choosing to share this because I want everyone to know that there is still hope out there.  I believe we have two choices in life. We can either take our trails and let them destroy us and tear us down, or we can take them and learn and grow as individuals so that we can become better people from them. I am choosing to take the second choice. We all fight our own battles. There isn't a single person out there that doesn't have their own story and some sort of hardship that they have faced or will face. Happiness is a choice and no matter what life throws at you, it is up to you on how you are going to let it affect you. I lost my parents at a young age and It could have been very easy for me to take the path the led me away from happiness. I had my whole life ahead of me to experience and I know that my parents would want me to continue on and be the best person that I can be. I am trying to do that for myself and for them. I want to make them proud.  I want all of you to know that no matter how hard life can get, storms don't last forever. There is hope and a bright future for all of us if that is what we set our minds to. I have an AMAZING family and friends who love and support me. I have a wonderful life that I love that I wouldn't trade for anything. I have so much to be happy for. 

To anyone out there who is struggling, keep fighting and pushing through. Don't ever give up. It is something that you work at every day, but I know without a doubt in my mind it will all be worth it in the end. Cherish the time with your loved ones because life is so fragile and you never know when they will be taken away from you.

"No one said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

-Harvey MacKay

To my mom and dad I love and miss you dearly. I can't wait for the day that I can be wrapped in your arms again. I know you are close by. I keep you in my heart always.

With all the love in the world,

Jana